Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Top 5 New Occupations for Reed Richards

In preparation for the release of Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer, I will be highlighting a member of the team every day this week. Today’s FF spotlight is on Reed Richards.

I’ve never liked Reed Richards (aka Mr. Fantastic). I say it without reservation. Think about it: out of all of the Marvel headliners, Reed Richards, because of his “super” power, is the dorkiest-looking character. The forever gray temples don’t help. I mean, look at the Thing- big, covered with rock, virtually unstoppable, bad to the bone. Sue Storm Richards: hot as all get out, pretty decent superpower (for a female character), looks great in a blue FF uniform. Johnny Storm: turns into living white-hot flame, flies, shoots jets of flame, has cool catch phrase, bad to the bone.

But then you have Reed: old guy, skinny, can stretch his body in cartoony ways (like Plastic Man), pretty much the smartest guy on the planet. Super-smart, I can work with that. But stretchy powers equals weak, vulnerable, maybe good for itching that one spot right between the shoulder blades, and visually comedic. Honestly, I can’t see a picture of the FF together without humming the song, “One of these kids is doing his own thing…” It’s like, “Hmmm. He’s bad, she’s hot, he’s bad… WHOA! Who let that Looney Tune in here?” Even the movie-version has not been able to escape this (Ex: Reed using his powers to grab another roll of TP, Reed stretching his neck out ET-style as he proposes to Jessica Alba).

Therefore, I am recommending that Reed find another occupation and stop embarrassing his family with his goofy-looking self. My Top Five New Occupations for Reed Richards are:

5. Holiday Inn Maid – Think of all the rooms he could clean at one time with his ability to stretch up to 1500 feet. And with his ability to narrow his body (narrow enough to fit through the eye of a needle) he could really get at those hard-to-scrub areas. Heck, he could even double as a plumber. Of course, he would need to use his super-intelligence to learn a second language.

4. UFC Grappler – Look out, Sean Sherk! Here comes Reed “The Rubber Band” Richards. Eye-gouging? Not a problem. Reed can bounce bullets back and contain explosions. With his elastic appendages, Reed could administer, or break, the meanest holds with ease. Let them laugh at his Looney Tunes-like appearance; they would soon feel the sting of this “Rubber Band.”

3. “Just For Men” Haircolor Model – So Reed has had gray temples for the last 46 years. That certainly makes him someone the “graying hair” community can relate to. The commercials would go something like this: “My teammates used to leave me out when they went to clubs or showdowns with supervillains. I just looked too old, they said. My wife used to leave me like every five years and sneak around with Namor. Then I decided to give Just For Men haircoloring a try.” This could be a great opportunity for Reed to improve his marketability and get Sue hooked for once.

2. Jim Carrey’s Understudy – If he’s gonna look goofy, why not make some dough off of it? And my number one new occupation for Reed Richards is…

1. New Microsoft CEO – He’s applied his genius to fending off alien invasions, nefarious plots by Dr. Doom, and even crossed the threshold of Heaven itself. But can he help Microsoft create a product that actually makes things easier. Now there's a challenge worthy of this super-prodigy mental faculties. Reed, I recommend that you take the current management, lock them in the Negative Zone, and hire a bunch of Apple programmers.

Hope no one out there is a big Reed Richards fan! You gotta love that wacky guy.

1 comment:

  1. You could have included Chimney Sweep. Forget the dangers of ladders and falling down chimney shafts. Reed could do it all from the safety of standing on the ground.

    Also, I don't mean to be nitpicky at all, but I just wanted to point out that it should be "looney toon" as in cartoon character. Reading "looney tune" just jumps out at me as not right.

    Keep up the good work on this blog, I'm not one to post much but I just wanted to let you know that I enjoy what you have to write about.

    If you ever get a chance you may want to check out my stuff over at http://faisca.wordpress.com You'll find that you and I were cut from the same cloth, as it were. (Except I want to be Spiderman)


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